I am struggling a lot lately. I knew the first autumn/ winter after my diagnosis would probably be particularly bad, but this is the worst my depression has been since before I met C. I probably would not be here right now if it wasn’t for C and our dog. I can’t do that to them, but I also don’t want to be alive at the moment, so I’m just dragging myself through the motions. I can’t see a positive future for myself, largely due to the lack of understanding and acceptance of autism, and of my work situation (more on this later). I am dealing with the holy trinity of shit mental health right now – seasonal affective disorder, depression related to being autistic in a neurotypical world, and what I now recognise as autistic burnout. If I were a car, my check engine light would have been going off for the last 80,000 miles, but I’m being forced on regardless. There is no feasible way for me to truly take a break and get the rest and care I require. My battery would not just be dead – it would be on fire. There would be minimal salvaging for scrap. You get the idea.
I’m cantankerous and annoyed at the world – for not accepting and actively discriminating against people like me. For not accepting anyone who falls outside of the homogeneity of what is socially acceptable. I am annoyed at myself – for having to learn this lesson (re: burnout) the hard way so many times now. This is what happens when I force myself to live up to neurotypical standards and ignore my own needs for an extended period. I cannot continue to live like this without completely destroying my physical and mental health. But if I want to have food and a roof over my head, what other option is there?
While I had no illusions about suddenly getting all the help and support I needed after diagnosis (I’ve spent too long dealing with CAMHS and CMHT for that), I had hoped that some support of any description would be available. While the late diagnosis group that I attended and social group for autistic women that I’ve been attending have been invaluable, I desperately need help with my mental health. (Hell, I’ve desperately needed support with my mental health since I was about 13 years old but haven’t ever seen anyone who seemed to truly understand the nature of my problems or how to address them). Previous mental health professionals and counsellors I’ve tried were somewhere between useless and not entirely sure how to help me, because they had little or no knowledge of autism. I had really hoped that a diagnosis might give me access to some kind of support system, but as I’ve discovered, mental health support tailored to autistic adults seems to be non-existent unless you go private. I did thankfully manage to get recommendations from a local autism charity for three different counsellors in my area who specialise in working with autistic adults. One is currently taking clients and I hope to start sessions with her in the coming weeks, so that’s something I suppose. I’m concerned about the cost of all this but hopefully it’ll be worth it. I just worry that I’m putting far too much hope on this somehow helping me to sort my life out. The disparity between how I’m currently living and how I need to live to keep myself physically and mentally healthy is a gaping chasm right now. I don’t know if it’s possible to make changes of that magnitude, even with a counsellor, but I will give it my best shot.
All the pain and suffering
Will dispirit or feed you, dispirit or feed you
For each and every time your failures will craft you
When the fear of them is gone, fear is gone
***
We stumble and hover
At the edge of the world
One life, one chance
That’s all we have, that’s all we have
Never walk away
Turn your back on yourself, back on yourself
One life, one chance
That’s all we have
Dying doesn’t make this world dead to us
Breathing doesn’t keep the flame alive in us
Dreaming doesn’t make time less real for us
One life, one chance, all ephemeral
Ephemeral
– ‘Ephemeral’ – Insomnium
Differently Human 
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